by Marissa Marangoni

This month, I take you to Quaker Station, formerly known as Quaker Square, which boasts the largest event venue around. With seating for up to 600 in the ballroom, you’d better believe there were bathrooms at this place. And I, of course, looked at both of the ones I found.

The first set of bathrooms are to the left of the entrance doors. I actually assumed that the stately wood door led to some sort of closet, but I was wrong: It led to some stately bathroom stalls. I’d expect a bathroom at the entrance of a building like this to be small, but it makes sense for it to be spacious, as pre-events before the main events occur in this space. There are probably a lot of people snacking and chatting who need to relieve themselves after a few trips to the appetizer table and pre-event bar. 

What’s great about a spacious bathroom is accessibility, and this bathroom has that. The space reminded me of, well, a hotel bathroom — which, as most of you Akron locals know, makes sense, since this used to be a hotel. The wallpaper could use a refresher, but other than that, the place was clean, pleasant, and in good working condition. 

Its finest feature was an artificial flower with greenery in a Quaker Oats canister on the sink. It looked a little out of place, but you know why it’s there, and I appreciated the nod to history. I give this first bathroom a 4.5/5 toilets.

The second bathroom was a bit more interesting, as every time I went to it, I got confused and felt like I was going into one of those mysterious back rooms of a hotel where only employees go. Having worked at a hotel before — at Walt Disney World, nonetheless (DO NOT RECOMMEND, if you’re wondering) — I should know better than to think back rooms of hotels are mysterious. It’s sad back there. 

Anyway, if you’re coming from the entrance to the ballroom, this bathroom is way in the back right corner. You have to go through a door and in this odd little hallway and then there it is. This bathroom is not stately like its counterpart, but it is brighter, with gold, blue and white striped wallpaper. It has a fake floral arrangement on the counter by the sinks as well. No Quaker Oats container here, but there is an additional door in here with a sign on it that reads, “NOT AN EXIT.” Every door out of a room, especially if it is to another room, is sort of an exit. And every bathroom is the room of exits, you know? 

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging. I opened the Not-an-Exit door. It was a supply space of sorts, and it looked like there were other places it led to, which makes it pretty exit-ish in my opinion. Was there a motorized cleaning vehicle in this not-exit space? Yes. Did I want to sit on the seat and turn the key to see if I could start it? Yes. Did I? Alas, I did not.

This ballroom bathroom was spacious just like the entrance bathroom — as in, if you have a bride and four bridesmaids in there and everyone is working on bustling the bride’s dress, you will have plenty of room. This means you will also have plenty of room for other activities. You decide what you do with that information. 

This bathroom was in great shape, but I did not like the can of apple cinnamon Glade spray, nor the gross gel freshener dome thing that sat next to it. That stuff is gross. It’s probably bad for the environment, and really, let’s be serious: it was cool in the ‘80s. Renuzit potpourri scents, anyone? 

Despite this offense, I still give this bathroom 4.5/5 toilets.

Marissa Marangoni has been one of Akron’s unofficial Public Restroom bosses since 2015. I copied Emily’s this time because she was right all on her own.

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