words and photos by Emily Dressler

Over the years, Marissa and I have reviewed bathrooms at a diverse range of establishments. Some months, it probably seemed we had run out of cool places to go, like when we reviewed the digs at Acme, Marc’s, Aldi, Whole Foods or Mustard Seed. Obviously, we’ve always known that grocery stores are cool. 

Whenever I go anywhere lately, even my routine actions feel surreal and it’s like I’m on another planet. Minus one trip to the optometrist’s (an essential trip, I swear), I haven’t been anywhere new since the middle of March. Even when I do go to the grocery store, the last thing I want to do is use the restroom. Are we allowed to use them still? According to my source at the Highland Square Mustard Seed, shoppers are still using the first-floor bathrooms. I guess if you don’t have hand sanitizer or a pair of cross-contamination gloves you’ve been wearing for hours because you think it keeps you clean, you might want to use the bathroom to wash your hands. I don’t know. I can’t tell what makes sense anymore.

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All this is a long-winded way of telling you that I am reviewing my own bathroom this month. This is when you realize that the cobbler’s children have no shoes. We have a half bathroom in our basement and a full bathroom on our main floor. Actually, the one in the basement has a toilet and showerstall but no sink, so I guess it’s a three-quarters bath instead of a half-bath. There is a utility sink just outside of it and, when it didn’t have a leak, a kitchen-type sink in the basement that you could use for washing your hands.

Urine Luck Emilly's bathroom

The main floor bathroom gets the most foot traffic. It has a yellow color scheme, which in retrospect seems gross for a bathroom because yellow is the color of pee. Half the walls are cream-colored tile, which is a look I really like for bathrooms. The cream-colored title sort of matches the bland vinyl flooring. I would like a livelier tile on the walls and some gray slate flooring, but that’s really the only bathroom remodeling idea I have, and I’m not even sure it makes sense. I’m not a very good decorator or cleaner or typical person. I hate doing things and I hate paying people to do things. 

I think this bathroom also has every color of metal finish that exists, so I guess we need to work on some uniformity?

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The bathroom is not large. If you sit on the toilet, your knees come precariously close to bumping the bathtub. There is a closet in here, and thank goodness, because otherwise we wouldn’t have anywhere to put all our bathroom accoutrements (i.e., junk). The closet, like the rest of the bathroom, needs to be cleaned.

The wall art is a painting of a toilet that my husband did. He did the painting during Twin Peaks: The Return, so it also features a black and white floor and heavy red curtains. 

Honestly, if I were rating this bathroom — which I am — I would give it 2 out of 5 toilets.

Emily Dressler has been writing about Akron bathrooms since 2016…(or whatever Marissa puts for her bio because she is always right)

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