by Emily Dressler

Your bathroom choices are plentiful at Blossom Music Center. First, during the walk from your choice spot on a grass parking lot to the venue, there are porta pots every 5 miles or so. And then, upon your glorious arrival, there are real bathrooms with stalls as far as the eye can see.

My bathrooms of choice on a Sunday night in August were the facilities at House Left. There are also bathrooms at House Right, at the top of the hill and near Blossom Grille. All have changing tables. There’s a family restroom by House Left, and I hear it has a glass ceiling and is like being in nature.

The mens and womens bathrooms at House Left are actually housed in separate, gigantic BUILDINGS. The House Left bathrooms are at the bottom of the hill, close to the concessions. So if you want to buy a $7 water or a $14 beer, you can do that, and then cry about it in the bathrooms.

I’ve heard that the men’s room at House Left has four stalls and 12 or so urinals. (Can someone please figure out the ratio of men poopers to women poopers at concerts? This statistic might surprise you, but studies show that 10 out of 10 people poop.) What I’m getting at is this: Men, do you have enough stalls at concerts? Part of me doesn’t care because men have other advantages that women don’t have (like higher pay), but at the same time, I don’t want anyone having upset tummies. 

We were at Blossom to see Brian Wilson and the Cleveland Orchestra, which is as harmonious a pairing as you can imagine. The event looked ridiculously crowded, but each time I used the bathroom, I was either alone or in there with one or two others. Maybe everyone else is better at holding their bladders.

For the non-orchestra concerts at Blossom, the bathrooms are busier and messier. During my visit, the women’s room was well-stocked, mostly empty and mostly clean. It was also quiet, like at a negative decibel level, if that’s possible. I could not hear the lovely tenor of Brian Wilson while in the bathroom. Blossom needs bathroom speakers, like, pronto.

I’ll be honest with you: Blossom Music Center is not my favorite concert venue. Coming to see the Cleveland Orchestra is cool because you can bring in all the food and drinks you want. But then, of course, you have to carry all that stuff for miles and hope you can remember the maze back to your car. In general, parking sucks, traffic sucks and it’s expensive.

However, the bathrooms did have signs informing patrons that “your flush affects the future” and the toilet is not a trash can, and we must protect the health of the Cuyahoga River by not throwing trash in the toilet. For a venue like Blossom, which is practically in the middle of the Cuyahoga Valley National Park, this is an important reminder. The bathrooms at Blossom earn a resounding 4.5 / 5 toilets.

Emily Dressler has been writing about Akron bathrooms for the Devil Strip for four years.

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