Part 1: You Can Find Me In The (Mickey Mouse) Club (House)
Last year, I worked from home for three months and it was glorious. However, in the mornings I could hear The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing in the background downstairs, and I have some issues.
I’m sick and tired of Goofy messing everything up. I’m sick and tired of Donald trying to do everything all by himself and then being exasperated when he can’t get anything right. Just help Daisy find the sheep, Donald. It’s not that hard. I’m sick of Minnie’s helpless princess complex and I’m sick of Daisy constantly hitting on Mickey. Donald is standing right there, dude. Pete’s a jerk for literally no reason. Clarabelle shoehorns the “moo” sound into words that don’t even start with the letter “m.” Professor Von Drake’s inventions are of no use to anyone. And, Mortimer Mouse? He’s only in like one episode besides the superhero special and he’s a jerk, too. Hey Mortimer, we already have Pete. Go away.
Mickey, this team needs leadership and you’re not getting it done. Sorry, you’re just not. And here’s why:
These perfectly capable classic cartoon characters rely on Toodles (the clubhouse’s sentient AI) for everything… like EEEVERYTHING. One of these days, Toodles is going to pop up out of the Mousekadoer wearing a Hawaiian shirt (remember this detail for later) and say, “y’all figure it out yourself. I’m done,” and then take off rocket-style, like Genie at the end of Aladdin. Fireworks and all. Then what are they going to do? What, no baby elephant to fix your flat tire? Looks like you’d better call AAA like the rest of the world, Mick.
One last thing: Stop calling it the Mousekedance. It’s clearly, CLEARLY the Hot Dog Dance.
In the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode entitled “The Balloon Race,” Mickey is trying to teach Donald to be a good sport. That’s fine. But at one point, Donald is gloating and drops the “flags.” Pete grabs the flags and heads toward the finish line. Mickey and Donald then lament the fact that Pete “stole the flags.” Hold up. Stop right there. He didn’t steal them. Donald was being a jerk, dropped them and then paid the price. Pete didn’t steal them, he picked them up after you dropped them, Donald. Don’t dance ‘til you’re in the end zone, buddy.
Part 3: Hula Hibiscus
Of all the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes, “Mickey and Minnie’s Jungle Safari” is my favorite for a few reasons. The music is the best, the story is pretty solid from a plot standpoint, and there are fewer inconsistencies in the narrative than in a typical MMCH episode. Having said that, there are still a few Mousekeproblems, which I will highlight for you here…
1.) Right off the bat, Minnie shows up to the clubhouse all dressed for a safari, with her camera draped around her neck exclaiming that she has until the end of the day to photograph the Hula Hibiscus for her gallery. This particular flower only blooms once a year so it’s now or nuthin’. However, when Mickey gears up and agrees to go with her she says she has no idea where the flower is. You know what, Minnie, what have you been doing all year? You had twelve months to get your plan together and you have nothing? Don’t you think you should have figured out the location of the flower before you went and invested in a safari hat? Come on. Think.
2.) One of the Mouseketools in this episode is a pair of Pete’s big pants, which the crew eventually uses for a sail when their ship’s engine loses power. But when they need said pants for said sail, they don’t come from Toodles even though they were selected from his menu of useless things. In fact, Pete has to take his overalls off and hand them over. I mean, were they in the Mouseketoolkit or not? I always assumed that Mouseketools materialized from some sort of virtual storage shed held in the cloud by Toodles. Maybe not. This warrants investigation.
3.) Finally, at one point, the crew needs Toodles in order to consult the Mousekamap, but he’s nowhere to be found. Turns out he’s lounging in a hammock wearing a Hawaiian shirt and listening to island music on his headphones while sipping some drink out of a coconut husk. I think this was it. This was the moment Toodles had enough and said “buzz off, I’m busy.” Anyhow, Mickey then sends Pluto off to find Toodles, declaring “Pluto can find anything.” Uh… OK, well if Pluto can find anything, why not just have him find the Hula Hibiscus in the first place? Again, think, guys. Think.
That’s about it, I guess. I still love the Hula Hibiscus song which is the highlight of the episode right at the end. And for a special treat (pro tip) look up the extended version of the song on your favorite streaming service. There’s a middle verse that’s pretty good. Alright. Now you know that.
Part 4: The Bottom Line
We now watch Pocoyo on Netflix more religiously than we ever did the MMCH. Tons of plot holes there, too. But the presentation is much more simplified so it’s easy to zone out while watching. And besides, it beats the hell out of Pink Fong and Baby Shark.
Akron native Brian Dunphy is a father of three who loves his wife and kids, family, friends, music and art, but hates Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.