One Urine Luck writer reviews her own home restroom
words and photos by Marissa Marangoni
Urine Luck friends, how are you? No, really, how are you? I hope you’re cutting yourself some slack when you don’t get dressed all day or eat all the things or just lie in bed for a lot of time instead of being productive. Pandemic productivity is not required.
For the first time in Urine Luck history, we cannot report on the state of public bathrooms. However, ever since Emily and I started this column, we’ve considered reviewing our own personal bathrooms, and this seems to be the perfect opportunity to do so.
There are two bathrooms in my house.This month, I will tell you about the downstairs bathroom. It is conveniently located near the two downstairs bedrooms, but not so near that what goes on in said bathroom will alert the olfactory senses of anyone asleep in said bedrooms.
This bathroom has been through two remodels, and I’m feeling a third is on its way in the coming months if we are stuck here much longer. The current design features dark gray walls with white paneling. I think the official term for this sort of wall stuff is “wainscotting,” but I hesitate to apply such a fancy word to my unfancy bathroom. Included in this unfanciness is a white-formerly-pink bathtub that is currently being ruined by our well water, some extremely cluttered shelving, and a vanity that was painted electric blue in a moment of artistic inspiration that I think I may now regret.
I think the majority of the bathrooms I review are kind of boring when it comes to things to look at, but this space is overwhelmed with details as far as the eye can see — which isn’t very far considering you can reach the sink from the shower and wash your hands and your feet while you’re sitting on the toilet. To call this bathroom “crowded” would be an understatement.
My favorite feature of this bathroom is the wall art. It was created by the resident artist (me) back in 2013, upcycled from a terrible off-center pumpkin painting that no one ever asked for but had been living in my basement. Above the toilet is where this art hangs: a small, electric blue canvas painted to match the vanity, with bold white letters that spell, “POOP.” I really love that the viewer of this piece can take what they need from it, whether that be encouragement, a decree, a statement of the condition of the world, or something I have yet to think of.
This bathroom is too small, too busy, and could really use a good cleaning. It’s a fine bathroom for a house, I guess, and I really don’t need that nice of one considering there is a small person who regularly messes it up. As a result, cleaning this bathroom feels a bit defeating, but I keep doing it, and losing. It’s a gross place. It’s mostly not my fault.
Anyway, my downstairs bathroom gets a 2.5 out of 5 for its lack of cleanliness, overwhelming aesthetic, and difficult size. It is not cute or cozy–it’s annoyingly small, but all its parts function and it has that one great piece of poop art. In addition to the art, there is one other saving grace to this bathroom: the recently added bidet. Yes, that’s right, in the midst of the TP panic of 2020, I was one of those people who ordered a bidet toilet attachment. Tune in next month to hear more on that.
Marissa Marangoni has been writing about Akron bathrooms since 2015. (Emily said 2016. She is wrong.)