The Trouble with Old People

Trouble with Old People | Better Living Through Chemistry

by Steve Van Auken


Gratitude is known to be a key ingredient in living a good life. One of the things I am most grateful for is the many television stations that are deeply concerned about my health.

The TV stations understand that doctors these days are very busy. We as patients need to keep informed about our own health issues. That way we can be sure to know all the new medicine we need and deserve. Then we must demand our doctors give them to us right now.  

The people in the commercials are just like me. Except they are good-looking and always smiling even though they have horrible diseases. Sometimes my doctor will say that the old medicine that I have been taking has been shown by “studies” to work better than the brand-new one. I guess if you’re a doctor you get sent a lot of these studies. But I already know which medicine I need. I tell her it’s the one in the commercial. It would speed things up if she didn’t waste time talking about studies and just wrote my prescription.

I started a great new medicine recently. It’s called Existentia. As soon as I heard about it I knew it was right for me. The people in the ad were older, and they were on a ranch. I’ve never been on a ranch, but I do watch a lot of western movies. Even though they live on a farmstead, they have lots of problems. The ad made me realize I have the same problems. I kept seeing the commercial so I was able to write them down.

“Do you have the nagging feeling that someone, somewhere, is happier than you?”

“Do you have trouble remembering the Periodic Table of Elements?”

“Do you tend to put off doing things you hate?”

“Is there a history in your family of people reproducing?”

“Do you have less energy than you did twenty years ago?”

“Do you sleep poorly in a room where you can hear rodents running around in the dark?”

“Do you sometimes feel that life has no meaning or purpose, or maybe it does, but you’ve forgotten what it is?”

“If you answered yes to any of these, you may have a condition known to medical science as Existential Dread, or the Heebie-Jeebies. This chemical imbalance is now treatable. Ask your doctor if Existentia is right for you.”

“Existentia. Because life doesn’t have to be absurd anymore.”

I’m always careful to take my medicines just as prescribed. With Existentia, you take a pill in the morning and one at night. In between you go to the gym. The label says that the pills work better that way. They also work best if you take them after eating a lot of fruits and vegetables. And they should be taken around people you like. So I’ve started having some of my neighbors over to eat fruits and vegetables with me.

I can’t say that Existentia is cheap. But I’m grateful that my bank was willing to open a home equity line of credit for me. And I know it’s worth it because I feel so much better thanks to Existentia. I guess there are some people who might have missed hearing about it because they are uninformed and don’t watch enough TV. I know it’s hard. Even I am having trouble keeping up with my TV watching, now that I’m spending so much time at the gym, cooking and having folks over for fresh produce. But just remember, your health is your most important asset.

Ask your doctor if TV medicine commercials are right for you.

//BIO: Steve Van Auken has now lived in Akron long enough to give directions according to where things used to be.