words and photos by Emily Dressler and Marissa Marangoni
Okay, I know Panda Express is not cool and we Urine Luckers don’t review a lot of chain establishments, but deal with it this time. I’m pretty sure Lindsay Lohan likes Panda Express because movie stars are just like us, and I bet lots of other celebrities eat here, so maybe it’s like dorky-cool.
(An aside: During dinner, I asked my husband if there was a non-express Panda Express and if it was called Panda. He said no, but some quick googling tells me that Panda Express has a corporate sibling named Panda Inn. The more you know.)
Panda Express, located on State Road in Cuyahoga Falls, has two single-person bathrooms. They are enormous. When I walked in, I said “whoa” out loud because I was surprised by the size. You know how Chipotle bathrooms feel like airplane bathrooms? Panda Express bathrooms are similar, but on a larger scale like a VIP plane or Air Force Once. This bathroom would be a good office for the President.
The design is bland and boring, or “minimalist” if you want to be trendy about it (“corporate” if you want to be correct about it). The floor is light brown and the walls are tiled in medium gray. It goes well with my pale and chapped winter skin.
When we visited the Panda Express on a Sunday night, the bathroom was clean and usable. Do people even eat at Panda Express, or like Lindsay Lohan, do they just pull on their Ugg boots, put on layers of sweatpants/pajamas and order carry out? Maybe we were the first people to use the bathroom all day.
The toilet has a powerful flush, like a freaking chute. With some of the entrees at Panda Express, it’s important to have a top-notch bathroom situation. Interestingly, there is a small silver button on top of the toilet but I don’t think it indicates a dual flush feature. I’m not even certain it is a button. Could be a portal or a camera, or just a small silver circle that serves no purpose. I meant to inspect further, but I was quickly distracted by the nice, square sink. I just like square sinks in bathrooms okay.
I wonder if left-handers are annoyed in public bathrooms since the soap dispenser is almost always to the right of the sink. Maybe they have simply developed more ambidexterity than us lowly right-handers.
There is a trash can below the paper towel dispenser, but one quick look tells you that it is too small to be useful for very long. So there’s a second trash can in the corner. My workplace has this same issue.
This bathroom was clean, but maybe the concrete floors and gray walls just hide all the dirt. It is big but also very boring. For being average, I am awarding 2.5 toilets out of 5. Ain’t nothing wrong with average.
Emily has been carting her phone around in a plastic sandwich bag because the screen is cracked and she wants to contain the tiny shards of glass so she can save them to make a tiny mosaic.
2855 State Rd.
Cuyahoga Falls, OH 44223
You know what is the worst? When you’re at the movie theater munching on popcorn and candy, sipping on pop, throwing all your cares to the wind, and you have to pee. You’re faced with the tough decision of holding it and being uncomfortable for the rest of the movie, peeing your pants and then being uncomfortable for the rest of the movie or getting up and missing some of the action. Having experience with option one and not being interested in option two, I had to choose option three recently at the Regal Montrose Movies Stadium 12.
Let me tell you this: I’ve been to this movie theater before. Multiple times. Yet, somehow, I neglected to remember what the bathroom looked like. I didn’t expect much, but the vision of grandeur that met me when I opened the door was almost worth missing part of the movie.
This bathroom has it going on. All of it. Tiles, texture, colors and toilets. It’s everything I like to see in a bathroom, and nothing I expect in one at a movie theater. I felt like I was transported to another location. The walls are tiled green. I think that green is what made this feel royal. Any other color, and this wouldn’t be fit for the Queen.
Then again, the toilet paper on the floor might have ruined the Queen’s visit even with the green tiles. I’ll get back to the cleanliness in a second.
The green wall tiles are accented with white grout, and that makes them stand out even more. There is even a strip of small black and white tiles mixed in on one wall, adding more interest. The floors are tiled too, but gray and white, and then the bathroom stalls are a nice black with white specks. All in all, this sounds like it’s just too busy for a bathroom, but it is working well. I never would have put all this stuff together, so kudos to the person who did. Regal’s restrooms, at least the main ones by the entrance of the theater, are on point.
That said, the cleanliness factor dimmed the flashiness of this fortress to a degree. There was quite a bit of TP thrown around. It was sort of like someone was having a streamer party. The thing is, “party” and “poop” should not happen in the same room. People, pick up your damn toilet paper when you drop it so I don’t have to dock toilet ratings. Be kind, find…your paper and flush it.
Anyway, I was pretty impressed with the Regal Restroom. I give it a 4/5 toilets.
Marissa Marangoni is potty training a toddler and not looking forward to the inevitable public bathroom experiences in our future.