Okay, fine, I admit it. I was probably the jerk kid that told your child Santa isn’t real. I didn’t mean to be such a Grinch; I’m sorry. In my defense though, my parents wouldn’t let me believe in Santa. I was mildly bitter. It was kindergarten. Santa wouldn’t let me choose a gift from his bag. I called him a fake. So I destroyed the hopes and dreams of 15 fragile children during the most wonderful time of the year. No big deal.
Look. I’ve changed since that incident. I love Christmas. No, really, I do. Never mind the whole Muslim thing. Never mind the whole not-believing-Jesus-is-the-son-of-God thing. Trust me, I love Christmas now. Archie the Snowman? Love the dude. Santa? We’re BFFs now. Jesus? He’s okay.
In fact, I like Santa so much that I’ve compiled a list, for you, of the top 10 weird and quirky gifts you should buy this year from Northside Market. Consider it my apology.
And remember: The only thing better than Santa is shopping small businesses. Also, Happy Holidays. Joking. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.
1. leaf. $20
Honestly, I don’t know what the hell these are. They’re sort of poetic though, standing there, all naked and vulnerable. I appreciate the color of their lipstick, as well as their aloof facial expressions. Reminds me of myself at family gatherings.
2. Taylor Soap CO, Handmade Artisan Soap. $8.99
Oops. Wrong Holiday. My bad. Would make a great stocking stuffer.
3. Urban Buzz. $22
Welcome the smells of Downtown Akron into your loved one’s home with this candle. Don’t worry, it doesn’t smell like trash and piss.
4. Native. $35
A Swenson’s burger, Goodyear tires, the Goodyear blimp and beer. What more could you want from a laptop bag?
5. Dirty River Bicycle Works. $184
Apparently, the next generation of kiddos is too cool for tricycles and training wheels. So . . . Balance Bikes. These things will either prepare your kid for bike riding, or cause major injury. Good luck!
6. Tiny Circuits. $49.95
I had way too much fun imagining Donald Trump’s tiny dinosaur hands playing Pac-Man on this thing.
7. Rubber City Clothing. $1.25
These tire erasers are cute, and would make a great gift for your tiny Akronite’s pencil box.
8. leaf. $50
Because why wouldn’t you want a cookie jar shaped like a cactus?
9. Rubber City Clothing. $39.99
10. sweet bean | small batch candies. Four pieces, $8, Twelve pieces, $24
These chocolates look like bite size versions of the Earth. Love the Earth. Eat the Earth.
For a full list of Northside Marketplace vendors, visit downtownakron.com/go/northside-marketplace.