Urine Luck | Northside Marketplace & Whole Foods

words and photos by Emily Dressler and Marissa Marangoni


Northside Marketplace

Emily Dressler

I was excited to check out the Northside Marketplace (NM) on Furnace Ave.  I was expecting a bustling hub of activity on a Friday night, but alas. Still though, I have high hopes for this place.

As far as I could tell, NM was open. The doors–most of them–were unlocked, and that typically indicates that a place is open for business. Of the few people standing around, no one said hello but no one told us to leave, so I think we were allowed to be there. Whether a place is open or not should not be so difficult to figure out.

Since there wasn’t anything else to do, I used the single-stall bathroom. I like single-stall setups as much as the next guy, but I hope the NM has more than just these two. For a place that seems ripe with possibilities, this bathroom is not trying very hard. Maybe they are trying to get a feel for the place before they settle on a decor.

The toilet looks like a toilet in a permanent park porta potty. It’s an odd choice. The bare bone/industrial chic aesthetic of this bathroom is what I expected. However, I want more style. Maybe I will launch my start-up business from this bathroom and I will sell (or give away) little sturdy dolls that go over top toilet paper rolls. My start-up will be called Emilie’s Dresslies and you will love it.

The walls are a combo of a pale purple hue and fake wood paneling. That sounds uglier than it is, but I don’t know how else to describe it. The fake wood part is not as bad as it sounds, but the pale purple is.

I bet there are some vendors at the NM who sell soap. They should put their soap in here and retire the watered-down J.R. Watkins soap. Tsk tsk. I am not fooled by your watered-down soap.

This bathroom is not working up to its potential. If this were a 5th grade report card, I would give an S for Satisfactory, but this is Urine Luck and this is the real world, and in the real world this bathroom earns just two out of five toilets.

Northside Marketplace

21 Furnace St.

Akron, OH 44308

(330) 928-1988

Emilie’s Dresslies will sell toilet paper dolls that smell like potpourri. Emily Dressler will be the CEO, President, and sole customer.

365 by Whole Foods

Marissa Marangoni

Well, friends, I was finally that asshole who got caught taking photos in a public bathroom. Not only was I that asshole who got caught taking photos in a public bathroom, I was that asshole holding a baby while taking photos in a public bathroom. Perhaps not my finest moment, as I made no attempt to explain myself and acted like the situation was totally normal. I think the employee who caught me thought I was taking a selfie. I probably should have clarified.

The bathroom in Whole Foods 365 is really clean. It could have been more visually interesting, as stark white and blank is not all that interesting. You know what would really jazz it up? Emilie’s Dresslies. At any rate, a bright white bathroom does scream clean when it is clean. And since I was running late on this review, I appreciated this cleanliness  more than usual since I had no choice but to haul my child with me for this grand bathroom adventure. I think if he could talk, he’d definitely call our trip to this bathroom an adventure. He had a great time in the one of three toilet stalls and happily discovered he could fit between the wall and the toilet. He was unhappy, however, that the toilet flushed itself because he’s an independent man. But, I think this is a feature he will appreciate later in life.

I was hoping for one of those little toddler seats on the stall wall so I could strap the guy down and keep him from discovering how well the toilet paper spun on its roll (very well) and avoid him acquainting his fingers with all the bathroom surfaces, but, alas, there is no such jailing device.

Whole Foods 365, you should get those little toddler seats. All public bathrooms should invest in this contraption, really. Luckily, even though the little hands did test the textures of all the interesting tiles and porcelains, germ removal was a cinch because of the built-in toddler stool attached to the sink. Washing a toddler’s hands is way more complicated than it should be, and this little stool takes a large percentage of that complication out of the equation.

Whole Foods 365 seems sort of like a high-end buffet with some groceries thrown in more than it does a full-fledged grocery store, but I was surprised that the prices weren’t as unaffordable for a commoner like me as I assumed they would be. I even managed to use my $5 off $25 coupon. Don’t be fooled, though, I was there for the bathroom, and I wasn’t disappointed. Despite its lacking visual aesthetic and the missing toddler seat (that I have only ever seen in one other bathroom), Whole Foods 365 is doing their doody right, and for that, they get 4 out of 5 toilets.

365 by Whole

1745 W Market St.

Akron, OH 44313

(330) 615-2100

Related to Emilie’s Dresslies are Marangoni’s Macaronis, convenient fanny pack pouches that store and warm your pasta when you have to use the bathroom in the middle of dinner. Eat on the go when going. Hopefully Emily Dressler will purchase some because market research has not indicated a strong need for the product.