Urine Luck, the Holiday Edition: Yellow Snow and Farter Christmas

HO, ho, ho! Pee, poo, poo! Before you resort to the famous “pee-in-Santa’s-lap” maneuver, check out one of these downtown bathrooms first. Look at the forecast before you decide to parade downtown in a skimpy Santa outfit. Not only is this bad for your health, but it can also lead to nature calling when the closest relief zone option is a snow drift.

SUB: Lockview on South Main Street
BYLINE: by Marissa Marangoni
2 ¾ out of 5 toilets, but 5/5 in the grilled cheese department

The women’s bathroom, in the back near the patio steps, is to be expected. It was so dark in there that I looked around for a light switch, then gave up and said “Bloody Mary” three times. NOTHING HAPPENED. Maybe they could add a grilled cheese scented candle to make up for the dim lighting. Or maybe they could just install a bulb in the one light that is not lit. Christmas gift ideas!

The bathroom is small: just two stalls and two sinks. But minimalism is making a comeback, so this is okay. The vampire hipsters approve.

Urine Luck The Lockview
Old-timey Water Stain at Lockview (Marissa Marangoni / The Devil Strip)

This bathroom has improved since its Lime Spider days, but not drastically. There is no changing table, but you’re probably not supposed to bring a baby into a bar. However, babies in a grilled cheese restaurant do seem like a perfect fit, so whatever. This is a pretty perfect lunch spot for a downtown shopping crowd, so maybe a changing table is something Lockview should consider.

This seems like a place that would have surprisingly fancy olive oil soap or something nourishing for your skin. No such luck, it is just that boring pink stuff. However, the brown water stain above stall number 1 adds a little old-timey, rust belt charm that makes Akron, Akron.

SUB: Civic Theater on South Main Street:
BYLINE: by Emily Dressler
4.5 out of 5 toilets. Style over substance wins us over.

Wow. There are like 85 stalls in this restroom. Approximate count shows ~25, but this place lends itself to hyperbole. THIS is where you should celebrate the New Year.

The nice folks at the Civic let us in even though the theatre wasn’t open to the public. We didn’t even have to tell them about our super-important status as Devil Strip Bathroom Reviewers. They were rehearsing a show, and the energy that comes with an imminent performance infiltrated the entire place.

Urine Luck Civic Theatre
Massive bathroom in the Civic (Emily Dressler/ The Devil Strip)

Two stalls were out of order, but there are chandeliers, so shut up. The glitz and glamour of the theater certainly were considered when designing this relief site. Maybe that’s just a part of show biz. As wonderful as this bathroom is, it might be starting to show its age. The stalls and sinks are somewhat dated.

There are two bottles of soap for eight sinks, which could be an issue on performance nights. However, the facility is well-maintained and functional, and there is even an interesting painting and a tasteful chifferobe. If we knew what a chifferobe was. It’s more of a mini-chifferobe, anyway.

Summit Artspace on East Market Street
by Marissa Marangoni
1.5 out of 5 toilets. 5 out of 5 art toilets.

Ahhh, art. Tis the season to view it and buy it. Once you’ve perused the newest installments and those Christmas cookies are getting a little too heavy, you may find yourself wondering where this quaint space hides their restrooms.

Urine Luck Summit Artspace
Toilet at Summit Artspace (Marissa Marangoni/ The Devil Strip)

We visited the first floor facilities, and those are located–well, just ask the desk attendant to direct you to them. This women’s bathroom is like getting coal in your stocking: At least it’s a gift, but you know it could be better. The Summit Artspace building is the old Akron Main Library, and we should thank our lucky stars for the primetime bathrooms in the current downtown library.

Everything in this space is green, and it reminds us of an elementary school bathroom. Nostalgia is always nice, but it’s not everything. We aren’t sure how well the toilets actually function because the overwhelming sewer stench pervading the restroom chased us out before we got too far into our usual toilet explorations.

Summit Art Space is a great place and supports local artists, which, being writers, we are all for, but you might want to check your drawers prior to visiting.